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    Story of a photographer
 
 
A magazine photographer assigned to get photos of a bushfire found the smoke too dense for good shots, so he called his office to hire a plane. “There'll be one waiting at the airport,” he was told. Sure enough, he found a plane with its engine running on the runway. Jumping in, he yelled, “Let's go.” The man at the controls nodded and took off. “Make three or four low-level passes over the fire,” he was told. “Why?” he asked. “Because I'm going to take pictures. That's what photographers do.” “You mean you're not the instructor?” the pilot replied. Margaret Annis, Downer, ACT
 
 
   The Truck Driver...
 
 
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying: "Nerds Not Allowed-Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling." "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked. "Why did you do that?" "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen! He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver. "Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em!"
 
 
   Things kids say..
 
 
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. - Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should. - Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. - The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. - Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does. - Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas. - Momentum is something you give a person when they go away. - A monsoon is a French gentleman. - The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom. - To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow. - When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy. - For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. - Thunder is a rich source of loudness. - One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
 
 
   Step, Step, Roar
 
 
A little boy walked down the aisle at a wedding. As he made his way to the front, he would take two steps, then stop, and turn to the crowd, alternating between the bride's side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. And so it went-step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR-all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and he was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed back his tears and said, "I was being the ring bear."
 
 
   Sweet child
 
 
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,"I'm Janey Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" With her mother standing just a few feet away, the little girl replied, "I thought I was, but Mommy says I'm not."
 
 
   On changing lanes..
 
 
Britain decided it was time to switch left lane traffic to right lane traffic, as everywhere in Europe. So they gather to plan the whole thing and nobody seems to come up with any viable solution, so they send out some help-me type faxes. A couple of days later, answers come back. The French fax read: "As your neighbors, we are deeply touched you requested our help," etc., etc., "but we have no idea at all how to do it." The German fax read: "We are Germany, the most organized country in Europe, but we have not had this problem before and we do not know how to handle it." The Polish fax read: "As you know, we are Poland, a country that has done a lot on the path towards democracy and economic resuscitation. "We have a great deal of experience in such transition processes. But, as to overcome the inherent difficulties and to avoid social problems, any and all transitions must be done gradually. "So, it is our proposal to handle the situation in three big steps. The first year, it should be mandatory only for the trucks to ride on the right lane . . ."
 
 
   My dad is better...
 
 
Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate!" One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bulls eye!" The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!"
 
 
   What we can learn from a dog.
 
 
If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
 
 
   Smart elephant
 
 
An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at person and tell that person's age. The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy. "Oh yes." the boy said. The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct. The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe, turned back around and stomped his foot twice. Whereupon the Irishman stumbled back and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried, "BeGabbers, he's right! Farty-two!"
 
 
   Interview with an OBGYN
 
 
Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A: If it's the flu, you'll get better. Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model? A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him). Q: How long is the average woman in labor? A: Whatever she says divided by two. Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids? A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for. Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse. Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? A: When you see teeth marks. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.