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    What a bird!
A bird in the hand will break your back if it's an Emu. Mark Pengilly, Heidelberg, Vic
    Who is the Boss
I bought a sign at a novelty shop that read “I'm the boss” and taped it to my office door. When I returned from lunch, there was a note stuck to the sign. “Your wife called,” it said. “She wants her sign back.”
    “but has the dog?”
A postman found his path to the letterbox barred by a ferocious barking dog. Hearing the commotion, the householder came to the door and said reassuringly, “Don't worry. There's a saying, ‘Barking dogs don't bite.'” “Yes, I've heard that,” said the postman, “but has the dog?”
   In Hospital
Patient: “This hospital is terrible. They treat us like dogs.” Nurse: “Mr Jones, you know that's not true. Now roll over, there's a good boy.”
As two golfers approached the first hole, a pack of hounds began to play on the fairway. The first man yelled, “Twenty-eight!” and hit his shot straight down the middle as the dogs scattered. “Twenty-eight?” his partner queried. “Why did you yell that?” “It's ‘fore' in dog years,” the first golfer explained.
   Dog Owner
Driving down a country road, a man spotted a youth ahead running hard with three huge dogs snarling at his heels. Braking alongside, the driver threw open the door and shouted, “Get in!” “Thanks,” gasped the young man. “You're terrific. Most people won't give me a lift when they see I've got three dogs.”
   “The devil made me buy it.”
A clergyman's wife bought a daring and expensive dress. She showed it to her husband and explained, “The devil made me buy it.” Shocked at the style and the price, her husband exclaimed, “You should have said, 'Get thee behind me, Satan.' ” “I did,” she said, “and he said, ‘It looks lovely from the back, too.' ” Runa White, Paradise, SA
   Rotary & Lions Club
Two women were chatting over the back fence. “Did you know that lions have sex six times a day?” asked one. “Blast!” said the other. “I've just joined a Rotary club.” Norm Daken, Napier, NZ
   Doctor & Patient
“Give it to me straight, Doc – how long have I got to live?” the patient asked. “Ten,” the doctor replies. “Ten what?” the patient cried. “Years, months, weeks?” “Ten, nine, eight...” Trent Pardey, Woody Point, Qld
   “You were so brave when you married me.”
Doreen nudged her husband awake when she thought she heard a burglar, but he refused to investigate. “What's happened?” she whispered. “You were so brave when you married me.” “Yes, that's what all my mates said,” he replied. Ron Cousins, Happy Valley, SA