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   “Look what I got!”
The doorbell rang repeatedly. We opened the door and found our neighbours' two children in a state of great excitement. Nine-year-old Samantha eagerly showed us her brand new saddle, which she could barely carry. Obviously feeling left out, six-year-old Luke whipped open his shirt. “Look what I got!” he said proudly. “Chicken pox!” -- Hans Douwes
   “you have 200 missed calls”
After a major rugby game, the groundsman spotted a mobile phone lying on the field. “Here,” he said to the referee, “I think this is yours.” “What makes you think it's my phone?” asked the referee. “Easy,” the groundsman said. “It says you have 200 missed calls.” -- Janet Keeney
   “you have an awful kid!”
I was visiting my daughter and my five-year-old granddaughter, Jenna, was being cheeky to her mother. “That's not very nice,” I said to Jenna. “Why are you talking to mummy like that?” “Well, Granny,” she replied seriously, “you have an awful kid!” -- Brenda Lorenz
   who could have designed the human body
Three engineering students are sitting in a bar discussing who could have designed the human body. The first one says, “It must have been a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.” The second says, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.” Then the last one says, “It could only have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic-waste pipeline through a recreational area?” -- David Nicholson of Yanchep, WA
   No more question......
“Will the father be present at the birth?” the obstetrician asked his pregnant patient. “No,” she replied. “He and my husband don't get along.” -- Derick Kelaart of Endeavour Hills, Vic
   "He's our biggest customer."
A new employee at the bank discovered that a colleague was embezzling enormous sums of money and immediately told the manager. "I know," said the manager. "You know?" gasped the newcomer. "So why don't you fire him?" "We can't afford to," sighed the manager. "He's our biggest customer." -- Australian and New Zealand Reader's Digest
   “I just need to see some ID . . .”
A woman came into our photocopy shop to pick up a large order. While there, she asked me to make a copy of her driver's licence, birth certificate and passport. When I gave her the total price, she asked if she could pay by cheque. “Of course,” I said automatically. “I just need to see some ID . . .” -- Jeremy Dolph
   Buying Mummy ! ! !
A man takes his son to a horse sale, and runs his hand down the back and bottom of a promising mare. His son asks, “What are you doing that for?” The father explains, “I'm seeing if I should buy this one.” The boy bursts into tears and says, “I think the man next door wants to buy Mummy.” Michael Kairl, Annerley, Qld
   Taking advantage! ! !
Late one night, a young woman was lost in a strange town looking for a particular address when a handsome man came by carrying a bucket, an anvil, a goose and two ducks. He offered to show her where to go, and led her down a dark alley. The woman asked, “How do I know you won't take advantage of me?” He protested, “How could I when I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, a goose and two ducks?” “Well,” she said, “you could put the goose in the bucket with the anvil on top, and I'll hold the two ducks.” Lou Shilton, Glenfield, NZ
   Careful while talking with wife!
A doctor and his wife were returning to their hotel after a morning's sightseeing when an attractive brunette in a tight-fitting miniskirt smiled and said hello to the doctor. “And who was that?” asked his wife. The doctor blushed and said, “Oh, just a young woman I know professionally.” “I'm sure of that,” said his wife, “but your profession or hers?” David Beard, Newtown Geelong, Vic