- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
   “Praise the Lord!”
Every day a woman stood at her gate and shouted, “Praise the Lord!” And every day the atheist next door yelled back, “There is no Lord!” One day she prayed, “Lord, I'm hungry. Please send me groceries.” The next morning she found a big bag of food on the veranda. “Praise the Lord,” she shouted. “I told you there was no Lord,” her neighbour said, jumping from behind a bush. “I bought those groceries for you.” “Praise the Lord!” the woman cried. “He not only sent me groceries, He made the devil pay for them.”
   Bounced cheques...........
Too many bounced cheques meant no more Mr Nice Guy for the manager of our local supermarket. A sign in his window announced: “We will gladly cash your personal cheque up to $20 when you provide six forms of ID and a $50 deposit, refundable when your cheque clears the bank.” -- Kristi Hanson
   “I'm looking for a boyfriend”
“I'm looking for a boyfriend,” I said in my comedy act for senior citizens. “If any of you men are interested, submit your name along with last year's tax return.” I usually get a big laugh with that one, but it fell flat. Only later did the manager explain, “This is a retirement home for priests.”
   “Ten, nine, eight...”
“Give it to me straight, Doc – how long have I got to live?” the patient asked. “Ten,” the doctor replies. “Ten what?” the patient cried. “Years, months, weeks?” “Ten, nine, eight...”
   “You were so brave....."
Doreen nudged her husband awake when she thought she heard a burglar, but he refused to investigate. “What's happened?” she whispered. “You were so brave when you married me.” “Yes, that's what all my mates said,” he replied.
   What a shot !
A magazine photographer assigned to get photos of a bushfire found the smoke too dense for good shots, so he called his office to hire a plane. “There'll be one waiting at the airport,” he was told. Sure enough, he found a plane with its engine running on the runway. Jumping in, he yelled, “Let's go.” The man at the controls nodded and took off. “Make three or four low-level passes over the fire,” he was told. “Why?” he asked. “Because I'm going to take pictures. That's what photographers do.” “You mean you're not the instructor?” the pilot replied.
   “Kid's Talk......”
Visiting his grandmother one Sunday afternoon, my eight-year-old son, Jacob, noticed her reading glasses on the kitchen table. “Wow!” he said as he tried them on. “No wonder Granny thinks I've grown bigger every time she sees me!” -- Maxine Brown
   “Keep him out of the sun”
What should I do?” yelled a panicked client as she ran into our vet's surgery carrying a plump little Staffordshire terrier. “My dog just ate two bags of unpopped popcorn!” Clearly not as alarmed as the pet owner, the receptionist responded coolly, “Well, the first thing I'd do is keep him out of the sun.” -- ipley
   “Get well soon”
A Police(COP) was rushed into the operating theatre for an emergency appendectomy. The surgery went well, but afterwards he felt a weird pulling sensation on his chest. Worried that something else might be wrong, he lifted his hospital gown to take a look. Attached to his chest hairs was a wide strip of gaffer tape. On it was written “Get well soon”, and it was signed “The nurse you gave a speeding ticket to this morning”. -- Jackson Hall