A collection of tips to find a beautiful wife :
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If you are a typical, single, Indian man who lives in the USA, the time will come when it will dawn on you that the only chance you have to indulge in wedded bliss lies in the hallowed institution of the" Arranged Marriage". You probably left India when you were twenty-one, having squandered your adolescence striving to get here. At this point, you are twenty-five or older, and have been out of touch with the general Indian female population for more than a decade. All the women you know back home are married. This manual is written for those of you who harbor hopes of acquiring a beautiful arranged bride.

If you belong to the rarified set of intellectuals to whom the external female form holds no charms, and those who evaluate others according to the quality of their inner selves, this manual is not for you. Before you stop reading, please accept my heartiest congratulations on your self control and ideological correctness. I'm not worthy of even addressing you (kneel! kneel!).

No, this manual is for the rest of you, mere mortals, who still have enough red blood in their veins so that you can admit, even to yourselves, that you rather like the idea of having a beautiful wife.

Of course, before I even go about describing how to acquire beauty, it is necessary to define it. And this is where I expect the most disagreement. There will be those among you who proclaim, "But beauty's in the eye of the beholder!" And you would be partly right.

If you are a man who equates beauty to facial attractiveness, there is not much that this manual can do for you. You are a very fortunate man, for Indian women have the most beautiful faces of any race in the world. You have a very large pool to choose from, and you do not need much help in choosing, because you can look at each prospective bride's face and decide whether she is beautiful or not.

No, this is written for those who would like their wife to have a good figure too. For you, the job is harder. Typically, Indian women do not get much physical exercise, and consequently, if they are not scrawny, tend to be on the overweight side. Why do you think sarees are so popular in India? Because they can hide all the embarrassing bulk! Some men think that Indian women do not have shapely legs by reasons of genetics. I say to them, check out the figures of the IA (ABCD to you politically incorrect guys) women. They are on par with anything have seen on any other race. This is because IA women work out and take care to keep themselves in shape. You cannot go covering yourself up around here, not if you want to get dates.

If you are one of those academic types who have not given much thought to the matter, or merely one of those blighters who like to ask intelligent questions to which you already know the answers, and ask me, "But why does one NEED a beautiful wife?" I would reply that beauty is a double edged sword. It has its advantages and disadvantages, some of which I summarize below.

  Advantages of having a beautiful wife :
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a) A beautiful girl is much easier to adjust to than an unattractive one. You will be much more tolerant of her faults during the initial "adjustment" phase of marriage, simply because you will not have the heart to get irritated with someone so lovely. She will be much easier to forgive after a fight.

b) If you are the typical desi engineer, you will not be exactly Adonis Reborn. If your wife is homely too, your child will probably look like the Swamp Thing, or the Blob. If you love your unborn children, you owe it to them to give them a beautiful mother.

c) A beautiful wife enhances your social stature. People will look at you and think, "How the ^&*% did that !@## land such gorgeous babe? He must have something that is not visible on the outside!" You will get invited to more parties, especially by men who want to spend the evening drooling at her. Conversely, if your wife is homely, you will be rather embarrassed to take her to gatherings of your friends, especially if they are all married to knockouts.

d) And most importantly, sex will be much better if your wife is good-looking. Otherwise, after a couple of years when the pent-phoniness of the past 25+ years has worn off, you probably will not beeves able to get it up, unless you resort to ungentlemanly and undignified tactics, like fantasizing about Sridevi when you are imbed.

  Disadvantages of having a beautiful wife :
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a) If you are one of those for whom innocence, virtue, and chastity are important, beautiful women are not for you. My empirical research shows that, while beauty (or the lack of it) in a woman is in no way indicative of her intelligence, beautiful women are invariably very street-smart. They KNOW that they are good looking, and have got used to people bending over backwards to accommodate them. This dawns anthem very early on in life, when they observe that teachers are much nicer to them than to their less-attractive friends, when almost althea men they encounter behave like brainless, testosterone-driven apes in their presence, when they observe that they get things done twice as quickly in a government office.

As a teenager in college, a beautiful woman would have had lots of envying with each other for her friendship and affections. She would have to be more than human not to have enjoyed the attention. She would have played the men one against the other, as women have done since time immemorial. She might have dated, and even had affairs. In the process, she would get to know men all too well, and would realize that they are but putty in the hands of a good-looking woman.

b) A good-looking woman is more than a match for the average desi engineer. She will twist you around her little finger and make you jump through hoops. Things will get done her way nearly all the time. Of course, it will be fun to jump through hoops for someone as lovely's she is. A homely woman, on the other hand, will usually be so grateful to you for marrying her that she will treat you like a king.

c) As I mentioned before, a beautiful woman is unlikely to beparticularly virtuous or righteous. But that is okay, since too muchvirtue often goes hand-in-hand with rather undesirable traits. Avirtuous woman may also be ugly, weird, boring, hyper-religious or frigid.

d) A beautiful woman is more likely to "stray" after marriagetoo. This is the USA, and the fact that a woman is married does notmake her off-limits to adventurers or would-be Casanovas. The morelovely a woman is, the more likely is she to be propositioned by hermale colleagues or friends. Ergo, she is subject to much moretemptation than her homely counterparts. Think about this... howwould it be if women kept asking you, a man, to make love to them? Howmany times would you refuse?

  How to go about selecting a beautiful wife :
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First of all, there is the matter of mentioning the fact to yourparents. If your parents are anything like mine, they will freak outwhen they hear that their dear devoted son is actually interested inearthy things like beauty (and, by extrapolation, sex). It is notconsidered good form to say that beauty is important to you in Indiancircles.

Here is a very important tip... do not leave bride-hunting to yourparents! Beauty is going to be the last of their priorities, comingafter caste, horoscopes, family background, perceived virtue of thegirl etc. Make it very clear to them that beauty is high on your listof priorities. State in no uncertain terms that you will not marryanyone who does not measure up to your standards. That will preventthem from goofing off during bride-hunting, shirking theirresponsibilities and palming off some family-friend's daughter on you.

Another unpalatable fact is that your mother will not want you tomarry someone too beautiful. This often comes as a surprise to mostsons, but the reason is simple. Mothers know that, sooner or later,there will be a tussle between her and her daughter-in-law over herson's affections and loyalties. Since women are extremely consciousof their looks and tend to rate themselves accordingly, a beautifulwoman has a psychological advantage over a less attractive one in anargument. Also, your mother knows that a beautiful wife will tilt thescales against her as far as you are concerned, since such a wife willprobably have you dangling by the balls, if you pardon the expression.So, left to herself, your mother will limit her search to women whoare less attractive than she perceives herself to be.

Before you start on your bride-hunting, you should convince yourselfthat you deserve a beautiful wife. Do not ever think, "But I am not sogood-looking anyway, what right have I to demand a lovely girl?"Since Man started walking the earth, it has been the man's wealth thathas been traded off for the woman's beauty. Rest assured that yourlooks will be the last thing on a girl's mind when she rates you as aprospective husband. (I am limiting myself to arranged marriageshere). She will be weighing your earning potential, green-cardpotential etc. Even in this land of feminism, "Cosmopolitan" hasarticles on "How to hook a rich husband" and "The ten best places to meet successful men".

You have worked hard, and wasted ten of the most wonderful years ofyour life getting where you are. You deserve to get something out ofit. Do not squander your bargaining position. In other words, do notbe ashamed to make your preference for beauty known.

  How to check whether she is beautiful :
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First of all, never consent to marry a girl whom you have seen only in photographs. PHOTOGRAPHS LIE!!!! Photography is an art that can make HKL Bhagat look like Zeenat Aman. All too often, photographs sent to prospective suitors contain only the face. Also, they usually havebeen so air-brushed and sanitized, all the pimples and otherirregularities removed, that the end product has little in common withthe original. Also, it is a certain fact that no woman will consent tosend you photograph that presents herself in an unflattering light.

These days, in the urban areas of India, it is often the practice totake an album-full of pictures of a girl when she gets to marriageableage. These pictures show the girl in various outfits, eastern andwestern. The album is then sent to prospective grooms-in-the-states.During my last visit to India, I learned from an authoritative sourcethat many of these pictures are blatant forgeries, involving splicingthe girl's head on to the figure of some other girl, sometimesprofessional models. In one case, pictures of a girl's good-lookingsister were went out instead. Bottom line: do not make a decisionbased merely on photographs!

  Darshan :
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Once you see the girl directly, you can easily check whether her face measures up. The figure is a different matter altogether. Women have conducted more research into packaging themselves than have been conducted on the entire US space effort. You should realize that,while you were struggling in your engineering program in undergraduateon grad school, women were learning the techniques of camouflage. SheKNOWS that it is her looks that count. By packaging herself so thatshe seems attractive to a non-resident Indian for about 10 minutes,she can earn all that it took the NRI 10 years of hard work torealize. Women are extremely honest with their friends about theirpositive and negative points. They are intensely aware of their flaws,and work systematically towards concealing them.

So, if she seems to have a liking for loose, flowing sarees orsalwar-kameez, keep your mind open to the possibility that she may beoverweight. That fold of her saree draped oh-so-elegantly across hermidriff might be concealing a paunch. It it is wound demurely aroundher back, she probably has spare tires. Does she walk slowly andsedately, like an old Spanish galleon making its way across the seas?She is probably holding her paunch in.

So what do you do if she always appears in such clothes? You cannotvery well demand that she change clothes... that would be outrageouslybad form. AND SHE KNOWS THAT! One way to approach such a problem isthe following. Tell her that she cannot wear a saree in the states,that it would be embarrassing for you. Tell her that if she is notwilling to wear jeans, shorts and pants on a regular basis, you areprobably not a good choice for her. Subtly hint that you would like tosee her in western clothes. If she refuses flat-out, my friend, youcan be sure that she is hiding something. If she has a good figure,she will make damned sure that you see it.

A large percentage of women in India have huge hips and very heavythighs. This is mainly due to lack of exercise. In a saree orchuridar, it is impossible to check for these, which is why they areso popular. If a woman states that she does not wear pants, warningbells should ring in her mind. One way to check for obesity under asaree or salwar is to note the relative positions of her bosom andmidriff. For a woman with a good figure, the bosom should be at aconsiderably higher level. If she dresses so that the bosom does notstand out, it is almost surely because she has a paunch that comes tothe same level. Or she may be droopy, saggy or totally flat.

Let me reiterate, if a girl has something to show, she will makedamned sure that you will see it.

One way to see how your prospective bride looks when she is notdressed up is to ask to see her family albums. NOT the ones that theykeep out ostentatiously but the ones that they keep tucked away at thecorner of the shelf. A lot of overweight women go through crash dietsduring the wedding season, starving themselves or going toprofessional "fat-farms" to lose dozens of pounds, to get intopresentable shape for the darshan. I know of one woman who lost 60pounds in 8 months preparing for the wedding. She quickly gained itall back after the marriage. Pictures of the woman taken 2 or 3 yearsago should tell you whether she is inclined to obesity.

If, on the other hand, she is a thin woman who has padded herself upto look good on darshan day, there is no way on earth that you cantell. The best way to check for this sort of stuff is to enlist thehelp of a sympathetic, liberated, female, friend, sister or otherrelative. She can easily see through the disguise and give youunbiased estimates of the interior. So, if you have a sister, you hadbetter start being nice to her.

HAPPY HUNTING! ... UNITING!